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I went to a different church than usual today. Nick and I went to the Auburn Methodist Church because Nick was very uncomfortable with East Auburn Baptist Church.  While I do adore that church and still will try to be going on Saturday nights, they suck really badly when it comes to LGBT issues and with the fact that Nick is transitioning, she is incredibly uncomfortable there.

It was rather different than what I am used to.  East Auburn's 11am service is laid back, there are no pews, everyone wears jeans (seeing someone in a suite is just plain weird), there is a worship band, and all the singing usually happens at the start.

Church was at 10 so we left the apartment at around 9:45am, in jeans and t shirts.  I really don't think that God cares how I dress as long as it is modest.  We get there and go in and find out that its rather small.  People know that you are new.  There were pews and besides children, I felt like Nick and I might be the youngest people in that room, we were definitely the least fancy dressed.   There were hymns, which is expected and a lot of sitting and standing and reciting words.  There were lit candles and an actual altar.   All of that was fine, it was nice and participatory.

The two big differences I saw were the sermon and the lack of people with Bibles.
I figured out why people didn't have bibles pretty quickly.  The sermon was based on 1 set of verses and those were read by a person in front of the congregation.  The sermon never mentioned another Bible verse, there was no turning back and forth to different passages.

The sermon also had a lot of other differences to what I am used to.  And these differences were FANTASTIC.  The minister was FEMALE and she talked about white privilege and social justice and class.   I was sad about the fact that she didn't use that many Bible verses to back up what she was saying but I felt like I wasn't the only person in the room that cared about social justice.  I felt like I wasn't the only person in the room that it was totes fine that a lady be a leader in the church.

 I did miss knowing what to do and where to go, and I did miss being dressed like everyone else and easy to sing worship music and feeling like everything that was being said was FIRMLY placed in scripture. Even thought I missed that I will be back next week.

Nick is not someone who believes in God and if she is willing to go to church with me I am willing to sacrifice some comfort and feeling of belonging in order to go to a place where she might hear God's voice.   On top of that, I really think that this church is much more suited to my views on  social justice, gender, and diversity.

So for now it looks like I will be rocking two churches a week.  

Jul. 1st, 2012

If sinners will be damned, at least let them leap to hell over our bodies. And if they will perish, let them perish with our arms around their knees, imploring them to stay. If hell must be filled, at least let it be filled in the teeth of our exertions, and let not one go there unwarned and unprayed for.
  C.H. Spurgeon.

Nov. 7th, 2011

I love odd words and odd phrases. I love words that you don't hear everyday and when I hear them or see them, I always try to adopt them and use them in conversations. I also have a soft spot for curse words. I use them when I'm angry and I use them when I'm not. I sometimes revel in using them.

I also have them flung at me everyday by angry people because I work in customer service.  In customer service you tend to get abuse from customers. Sometimes you can not do what they ask and they understandably get angry. Angry customers don’t always react the way they normally would to people they see as human beings, to them you are a personification of the company which is telling them they can’t have what they want.

Working at a call center, it can be worse. I have worked for the same company in both a customer facing position and a call center position and there is something about telephones that seem to bring the worst out in some customers. I think it’s because they aren't in public surrounded by other customers when they are speaking.

This isn’t a complaint, I know that part of my job is to be yelled at until they decide they want to speak to a supervisor that they can also yell at. It’s an observation of the reaction of customers who don’t have to look me in the eye before they decide to say things like “You are going to refund those charges you fucking C###”, Or decide to go on rants about the current president of the United States and use words that I won’t even abbreviate here.
You get used to what comes out of people’s mouths when they are angry, when they are forgetting that you are a human being, not a verbal punching bag. It frankly becomes almost monotonous to be called a bitch.

The whole time I’ve been working in a call center I’ve hoped that someone would be creative in their profanity. Maybe spice it up and swear in a different language or throw a geeky insult my way. I am constantly being told that I am going to hell, but no one insults me Star Wars style and calls me a Nerf Herder. I am constantly told that I am dumb but never told that I am a pox-ridden wench.I am told that my company is full of assholes, but not told that it is full of cum guzzling gutter sluts.

I would almost respect a caller more if they had a bit of creativity when insulting me, where I work, my honor, and my family. I would almost applaud them if they could improve their insults beyond the same six or seven you hear every day.

I try to vary my vocabulary when I'm not at work, I wish other people would do the same. I can forgive people being angry at me for things that they would have been able to prevent with a tiny bit of effort. I can forgive being yelled at because of an inconvenience that wasn't my fault. I'm starting to be unable to forgive someone for being uncreative while cursing at me. I am polite, kind, and courteous to my customers, the least they could do is call me a pirate hooker with a dirty whorish mouth.

LJ Idol Voting Time

Its the first week of voting for LJ Idol.  The polls will be up until October 27th at 10pm EDT.  If you haven't had the chance to read my entry, click right here to do so. Then if you don't mind, please click here to vote for me I"m in tribe 3.

Thanks :)

Oct. 22nd, 2011

When You Pray, Move Your Feet

I do not always understand proverbs and sayings the way most people do. I seem to attack them from different angles. This particular proverb bounces around my brain, pulling up thoughts, dead end paragraphs, and old memories. It brings to mind bits and pieces of inspirational quotes and Bible verses and sermons and Dorothy Day.

I connect this saying to West Wing quotes and letters written by former communists and books by people thrown out of political conventions who avoid arrest by saying they aren’t protesters, they are prophets. It stirs up memories of arguments with my father over welfare and the American dream.

When I see the words “When you pray, move your feet” my brain remembers the quotes "Oh Lord, give me health and strength. We'll steal the rest”, and “...What we Christians lack is a holy rage...the ability to rage when justice lies prostate in the streets”

After a few days of letting this proverb dance around in my brain and really thinking about what I was going to write. I found myself wishing that the proverb meant vastly different things than what everyone has seemed to agree on. I wished that it was about worshiping God in not just prayer, but in how you lived your life. That it could be about actually reflecting your beliefs in your actions. I found myself wishing that it was about dancing and jumping and loving and believing with your whole being.

After wishing, thinking, and remembering for most of this week, I came to a few conclusions. One was that other people’s meanings did not matter. It is important to know what they mean, but it’s just as important that I take away something personally relevant from the proverb.
The most important conclusion I reached was that it had been entirely too long since I had truly examined my actions against what I believe social justice to be and what I believe Jesus taught.

I do think that it is important to remember that dreams take hard work, that hope without effort does not always equal change. To whip out the Ghandi: You need to “be the change you wish to see in the world”
But for me, especially in these last few days, it is much more important to make sure that my actions reflect my beliefs.

That was my entry for week 1 of LJ Idol. I hope you enjoyed it and when it is time for voting, I'll be posting a link to the poll. I hope you'll vote for me :)

LJ Idol Season 8

So there is a new fancy season of LJ Idol and I've decided I'm going to give it another go. It will be nice to have a reason (and frankly a deadline) to post in here. It will be even better to have an online community to participate in. I know that I probably won't even make it to the top 100, but I'm going to try :)

If any of you who read this are interested in joining go to this entry in the community and do what it says.

*is wicked excited*


There are times where I miss my old apartment. Mostly the times where I feel like I need to play music a bit loud and dance/jump around. I could do that in a basement apartment, but I'm on the 3rd floor of an apartment building that is really designed to be quiet (my landlord stressed that the reason I'm here (and not in another less nice apartment) is that I'm quiet and a good tennant)

I feel like its finals week and quiet hours and all I want to do is dance and sing and get lost in music until this off kilter sort of depressed sort of scared sort of embarrassed feeling goes away.
I haven't had to deal with quiet hour like conditions for 7 years. Finals week conditions for
I asked Nick to move in with me. I know it might not be the best idea in the world but its been 7 years and we've been engaged for almost 3 of them. I make enough money for it to work for as long as it needs to until Nick gets a job and I love him and I want him to be here. (there is obviously well thought out adult reasoning that also happened like budgeting (good budgeting with lots of leway and $$ for emergency and overspending and savings) and seriousness, but I"m not in the mood to elaborate on lists and practicality)

Part of it was that I realized that I am living my life right now. Right now every second is ticking away the time I have in my life to do what I choose. Waiting until life becomes cookie cutter perfect before I do what I want is ridiculous. What I have realized is that crushing blinding reality is reality. Life isn't a fairy tale and it could end tomorrow. and I want this. I really really want to live with him.

There is also the thought (its a very small thought that hasn't happend more then 3 times) that if it were to crash and burn and I find out that I've wasted the last 7 years of my life it would be nice to happen before we get married cause marriage is permanent. I don't see us crashing and burning, I'm willing to work at it and know fully well that there will be things that annoy the fuck out of me but they are the price of admission to having a relationship with the man I love.

Aug. 7th, 2011

I know my life will never be like a movie. If life were like movies no one would pay to go see one.

I don't get swept off my feet, I don't get happily ever after. And thats fine. No one gets happily ever after.

I think for the first time in my life I might actually want to have children and I know that I won't.

15 year old me was convinced that some day she would meet a guy fall in love and get married. and that she was going to be a teacher.

16 year old me was convinced that she would meet a guy or a woman and fall in love and get married and be a history professor.

21 year old me was going to run political campaigns for a living.

22 year old me got engaged and was going to work for a non profit that helped people after her fiance got a job designing rockets and airplanes. But 22 year old me had to pay her bills so she got a job as a bank teller.

25 year old me is working in a call center for a bank doing a job she never thought she would love. She has been engaged for almost 3 years and her fiance hasn't had a job since he graduated college 3 years ago. He hasn't even tried to get one for 2 years.

I made the choices and decisions and non decisions that brought me to this point. My life is mine and its a good one, even though things didn't work out the way I thought they would. Though eventually I will have to make a choice between staying somewhat close to where my fiance is and actually going to a city where my lack of drivers license won't hinder anything. Where I can get a new job that hopefully I love just as much and go where I want to go and not worry about snow and the fact that there is very little public transportation around.

27 year old me will hopefully have made good decisions and get closer to the life she wants to live. And if she is still in Auburn, Maine hopefully there is a damn good reason why.

Jul. 2nd, 2011

This song is amazing.
I really needed it tonight.

The most powerful lyrics are the last verse.

Well, I thought about You the day Steven died,

And You met me between my breaking.

I know that I still love You, God, despite the agony.

...They want to tell me You're cruel,

But if Stephen could sing, he'd say it's not true cause...(chorus)

I need to remember that God is more than sufficent for me. And to be joyful.