So....its been awhile since I've updated.

Christmas is comming and every time I see commercials for presents and stuff I start to feel phyiscially ill. Seeing how christmas has gone from what it should be cellibrating Jesus and being with family and being thankful etc to the consumerist orgy craqzy fest taht it haqs become.

But at the same time I fall into it. I bought my father a refurbished netbook for Christmas. He is going to college right now to be a paralegal. I'm using it right now and find myself rather enjoying how small it is and how even more portable it is then my laptop.


So I'm wathcing PBS and it has Goldwater on it. All I can think about is the daisy add.

I think I'm doing better at my job, though I really really need to balance. Its become a large problem.

I got my hair cut and it is a rather nifty haircut.

I'm off for now.

So.... my computer stopped working. I was unable to do LJ idol. But thats okay.

Today nick and his brother's fixed my computer. We got all my files and we are buying a new hard drive for it.

Thats basically it. This is a post to say I'm still alive... go me!


:)

So in an effort to make myself do more then just get up, go to work, come home, watch west wing, go to sleep, repeat, I am going to be playing LJ Idol. I know that I won't make it very far but I wants to try!


If you are interested in playing you can go here http://community.livejournal.com/therealljidol/256751.html

I'm having this crazy craving to blog my brains out. I don't know why and I don't have all that much to say.

I'm applying for the full time teller position at work. I don't know if I'll get it but I can at the very least try for it. I don't know why but I'm very apprehensive about the interview. (the company i work for interviews every internal applicant.)

I went to see the proposal Monday night with nick. The movie wasn't all that great. I saw an advertisement for UMF @ the regal theater in Brunswick. Not so sure why it made me so angry but it did.

In my head in November there was this timeline. I got engaged. Nick would get a job by January or Feb we'd get married in June
He didn't get a job, I'm glad we didn't get married in June cause i wanted at least some part of it to be outside.

My life isn't' going to follow the plans I had for myself. There is an old saying "Want to make God laugh? Tell him your plans." I don't think that the unconscious and conscious time lines that i've had over the years have ever really worked out according to plan.

Nick is applying for SSI/SSDI or more accurately has applied for it already. His mother pushed him into it and although he was really uncomfortable about it he did it.

I am going to be applying for a passport soon.

stuff is not the answer. oh i'll be happy when i get that new season of criminal mids, or when i get the complete series of west wing, or when i finally get my drive3rs licence, or when i finally move out of my house and get an appartment. Oh when i finally leave maine or when i get a full time job Oh then i'll be happy. Its just stuff, its just a change of scenery.

The amount of money i've blown on going out to eat and buying dvds and trying to learn to drive hasn't made me happy. Its made me worse.

I know the answer is God. I know the answer is Jesus. I know that the two things I am supposed to do is love the lord your god with all your heart, all your soul and all your mind. Love your neighbor as you love yourself. Tell the nations about God and about his love.
I just don't know how to get there. I mean I understand how to "get saved" "know God" "insert christianese here" I just don't know how to live it day in and out. I know the overarching answer is to do what was meantioned above. Live life loving God. Do whatever I do for him. Do it as if I were doing it to him or for him or because of him. Its just hard to equate that to Go to work tomorrow from 11-7:30. Go home eat dinner talk to nicholas sleep, Go to work go to nick's house. Come back home. go to work rinse repeat.

I think it has to do with focusing on love. Do what I do out of love. Love for Jesus, love for the people around me. I know that sounds pretty much like what was said above, but well how would i process a transaction if I was processing it for Jesus. How would I work if my boss was Jesus. How would I live if I were living with Jesus. How would I hang out with people, interact with people if they were Jesus. That needs to color my perspective. That needs to be the color tint in my glasses.

I need God's help to do it. I need Jesus's help to do it. I will never be perfect. But striving is differnt then being perfect.

There is a part of me that would rather like to buy this
http://www.amazon.com/Spanish-Banking-Job/dp/0978809939/ref=sr_1_4?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1246722131&sr=8-4 (spanish at work banking thing)

and this
http://www.amazon.com/Workplace-Spanish-Banking-Tom-Sutula/dp/193013410X/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1246722131&sr=8-1 (spanish at work banking thing)

and this
http://www.amazon.com/West-Wing-Complete-Collection/dp/B000HC2LI0/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=dvd&qid=1246722760&sr=8-1 (complete series west wing

While I like getting the paychecks I am getting now because i am basically working close to if not over 40 hours a week at 10.20 an hour, I find myself going bonkers a little on the inside.
The branch normally has 8 employees. A branch manager( the fancy title is BDSM) , an assistant branch manager, a store supervisor, a CSR, a full time teller, and 3 part time tellers. As of yesterday we are down to an assistant manager, a store supervisor, one full time teller, and two part time tellers.

8 down to 5. Our new branch manager starts on the 13th and I think it will be exciting he used to manage the F-town branches and they always seem to kick but in referrals and other things like that.

I seriously don't get why people throw fits and act like tools when all a teller is trying to do is help fix the situation or find the person who can fix it. I know its part of the job and you just have to keep trucking on and remember that my branch has crazy good CWI scores and that a majority of our customers are pleased as punch with what we do for them.

I keep trying to find jobs for Nick. Right now he's playing some video game and has been since about 8 something this morning, while I looked for jobs for him and emailed them to him.

I went to DC last week. I figured that there isn't much time left to be spontaneous. Before long I'll get a full time job etc. kelly drove to South station where we parked on the roof, got our tickets and proceeded to be on an amtrak train for like 10 hours. Eventually I'll put my pictures on Facebook, but I really needed that trip away from everything. I went to the MOST COMFY MOVIE THEATER I'VE EVER BEEN IN (its the one in union station) We did all the touristy things (except the white house. I have been to dc for a summer and two one day trips and still have not seen the white house.) We went to the American history museum and the modern art one.

I'm at nicks for teh 4th of july. Not going to see any fireworks (though I'm not quite comfortable celebrating our country via fireworks that symbolize weapons).
I get the day off which is nifty.

I'm going to the movies on sunday with kelly which will be fun.

I think the universe might be telling me something about being in cars.
Last night I was in a car that hit a deer. That is 4 occasions this year when I was in a car that was either an accident or pretty damn close. (The accident that totaled Nick's father's car, 360 on I95, 180 getting off I95, and this) Its only May.

I'm not feeling a huge want to drive.

It wasn't Catie's fault (the person who was driving) the deer did literally come out of tall grass/embankment @ night. There was nothing she could do. The deer did get up and walk away, but I bet it either became food for somehting or it died shortly after.
The driver side door doesn't close right and the window won't go down more then a couple of inches and the mirror is broken. But the police was called so the insurance company can be asked for money to pay for stuffs.

I don't know why, but this essay is making me pissed off and kinda sick to my stomach. Sex Tips For Geeks: On Being Good In Bed ( http://www.catb.org/~esr/writings/sextips/bedplay.html ) Maybe its his tone, or maybe its his thinking or maybe its the fact that he groups all women into one category like here:
Run your hands gently over her body; women love the feeling of being caressed all over, of being explored and owned by a lover's hands.

Maybe tis the fact that he uses the phrase "owned by a lover's hands"

I don't know. This essay just left a bad taste in my mouth.

Am I the only one? Can someone else read it and tell me their opinion?

Obviously its an essay about sex so its graphic and not kid friendly, so don't complain to me if you were offended by it.

Jobs and the people around me not having them are stressing me out.

Been over a year for nick and a little less then six months for my dad.

I had three jobs my senior year in college, and I have a job now. Nick could get one if he'd get off his ass and fill out job applications.

*is not amused*

I'm thankful for my grandparents. When I graduated, they congratulated me instead of using a public forum to insult me.

Nick's sister Catie graduated from college last weekend. A few days later I was perusing the facebook and since Mary-Beth(Nick and Catie's grandmother) has a facebook I saw this as her status :

Attended my granddaughter's graduation from Simmons in Nursing on Friday. was great to have her done. Wish she had a job lined up. Can't believe a nurse can't find a job. She does have a second interview at EMMC on Thursday.

Yep...this is the fun lady that co-signed both Nick's and Catie's loans. She is freaking CRAZY. And by crazy I mean CRAZY. So we are in a way indebted to her until nick and I manage to pay off his loans.

I rather like these fics

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/4850626/1/He_Lied

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/4212965/1/Forever_to_touch_you

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/3726217/1/Doctor_Zach_Addy_Jedi_Master_Extraordinairre

A really nifty song, though simplistic.

Any song that says
"God does not belong to Republicans
God is not a flag, Not even American"

AND

"Atheists and Charlatans
and Communists and Lesbians
And even old Pat Robertson,
oh God He loves us all"

is at least worth a listen regardless of religious affiliation.

Very interesting...

http://relevantmagazine.com/features-reviews/progressive-culture/3694-life-outside-the-faith-ghetto

This entry might annoy some people and my thoughts on that is if you dont' liek it don't read it.

Tonight I realized (yet again) that I really don't want to live like I am presently living: by society's standards and practices. Do not be conformed to this world, but continually be transformed by the renewing of your minds so that you may be able to determine what God's will is-what is proper, pleasing, and perfect. (Rom 12:2 ISV) I want to live according to God's standards. And its hard. There are things in the Bible that right now I don't agree with. Eventually (hopefully) that will change. My views on abortion and war changed. Others will change as well.
A relationship with God is not a every now and then thing. It should not be what I have been doing, which is a pick and choose type of thing. I don't want to be Laodicea. "To the messenger of the church in Laodicea, write: 'The Amen, the witness who is faithful and true, the beginning of God's creation, says this: 'I know your works, that you are neither cold nor hot. I wish you were cold or hot. Since you are lukewarm and neither hot nor cold, I am going to spit you out of my mouth. You say, "I am rich. I have become wealthy. I don't need anything." Yet you don't realize that you are miserable, pitiful, poor, blind, and naked. Therefore, I advise you to buy from me gold purified in fire so that you may be rich, white clothes to wear so that you may keep the shame of your nakedness from showing, and ointment to put on your eyes so that you may see. I correct and discipline those whom I love, so be serious and repent! (Rev 3:14-19 ISV) I've been picking and choosing. Actions that occur as part of my relationship with nick, my views on homosexuality, how I handle my money, how i treat other people, how i treat my family, all of these include aspects of conforming to the world.
There is so much that I need to sort out in my life and so much that needs to be changed that I can only do with God's help. I have so much anger and fear to sort out.
Phillipians 1:27-28 is something I am focusing on right now.


The only thing that matters is that you continue to live as good citizens in a manner worthy of the gospel of Christ. Then, whether I come to see you or whether I stay away, I may hear all about you-that you are standing firm in one spirit, struggling with one mind for the faith of the gospel, and that you are not intimidated by your opponents in any way. This is evidence that they will be destroyed and that you will be saved-and all because of God.
(Php 1:27-28 ISV)


There is something I'm hoping for that I don't want to talk about publicly (cause anyone can read my lj when it is public and I feel like this should be a public entry) but if anyone who reads this feels like praying for me about it I would greatly appreciate it.

I'm going to end this entry with an LJ cut of commentary about Phillipians 1:27-28





This is from the barnes comentary and from the henry comentary:

( Read more... )

Tonight i realised will a crushing finality that I'll never get to know a person I had always meant to get to know. I'll never actually matter to them. I'll never read their writing, see their art ever again. And as much as that sucks, and as much as that isn't fun...well its okay.

I can't stand cars right now...at freaking all. We passed an accident on the way to picking up Nick's father from work. It was a fatl accidetnt in falmouthish area. I really don't like cars right now.


But anyways ihave to go home now and stuffs
ttyl

This is an old draft of an entry...its unfinished and I'm not going to finish it. I have other things I want to talk about. But It was written on Sunday Night (the 21st/22ndish)


So me and cars dont always go together.

Sunday morning I got up fully expecting to go to work, hope like hell my box balanced, and go home and play FF9 with my brother most of the evening....

Instead I went to work, had a decent day, was .10 cents over on my box, and then....
A KELLY MOTHER FREAKING BAZZEL showed up at my work.
After I explained to my parents why they made the trek from Wales to Auburn for no reason.

Kelly and I hung out for the afternoon, I ate miso soup. We hung out at the mall and looked for a piercing place in lewiston. We got lost a bit along the way. We then went on the turnpike and missed the sabbattus exit and ended up in Grey. Then it started to SNOW like a bitch.

We got lost in grey (FREAKING LACK OF SIGNS) but eventually got back on the highway.

As we were driving along kelly hit a patch of ice and the car went 360 degrees around. And I was odly calm. Kelly was very good at the driving and we were fine. But it also happened again.

I almost died thrice on Sunday night.

While we were driving I remember praying for God to keep us safe. I also sat up straight and put my purse on the floor so if an airbag deployed it wouldn't fly into my face.

I believe God did keep us safe. I mean we did a 360 in a car on the FREAKING INTERSTATE. Then it happend agai

So you know whats fun...I could have died on Thursday January 22nd.
Nick and I were in a four car accident on 196 in Turner. I made my first 911 call. Nick and I are fine. I also rode in the back of a police car for the first time. There were 4 cars, no one was hurt.

I have also been in the Brunswick emergency room twice this month. Once for Nicholas and once for nick's brother.

My father got fired because Genesis (a company that owns hospitals and nursing homes) is a shady ass company that fires people becuase they don't want ot pay for workman's comp. Yeah its illegal but no one is dumb enough to sue a big company if they want to be employed ever again.
The man who my father was best man for is also a dick. He lied so he could keep his own job and fuck my father over even more.
My mother's antidepressants don't work anymore, so she is just tons of fun to be around, and can't stand my father being home anymore then I can.
My father is on anti-depressants and I'm not sure they work for him either.

I go to nicks every other week and I go to work and those are the happiest times in my life right now.

Good news has happened: Nick has an interview with Boeing on Monday. And I've lost weight recently. Not a lot, but enough so my clothes that were size 24 don't fit anymore and my size 22 ones fit right.

I want to enact vengeance upon Marshwood, Genesis, Harvey Moses, and the director of Marshwood who's name is Leslie. But I can't come up with a way to do so and it wouldn't be right to do so . So I won't, but it doesn't mean I wouldn't want to at the very least apply to all their jobs and say very inappropriate/nasty things. the C word would be dropped like crazy. Why would i want to work at Marshwood, so assholes and cunts can be my coworkers and bosses. So i can be treated like shit even though I'll give over 8 years of faithful service and get per injured. That I could work with people who make over 30 medication errors in less then a month and get fired for one that isn't even serious.
*is really angry*
Just to clarify...I won't enact vengeance, or anything like that I'm just angry.

Nick and I are getting married in March( probably the 27), he has too many bills to justify us spending even 500 for a wedding in June.

But yeah, so thats whats been going on lately.

This is what people should be doing for each other.

http://www.cnn.com/2008/TECH/12/25/christmas.giving.blog/index.html

He won’t bring gifts on Dec. 25.

Even so, Dixon Elementary School second-graders have been sending wish lists to President-elect Barack Obama. But the students are not asking for toys; they want lower taxes, cheaper gas and healthier food for the poor.

Hannah Butz, one of the students, even offered to help the new president hunt down Osama bin Laden.

“Once (Obama) takes over, I think he should help our country and find Osama bin Laden, because he’s the most evil person out there,” Hannah said. “If there’s any way I can help, I would like to help.”

Hannah included her phone number in the letter so she can be reached to assist with espionage.

“I like to spy, so if they found him, people could spy on him like me,” she said.

Hannah said she learned about bin Laden while reading a newspaper article with her mom.

Rest of the article is here:
http://www.brookfieldnow.com/story/index.aspx?id=828155

1.] grab the nearest book.
2.] open the book to page 23.
3.] find the fifth sentence.
4.] post the text of the next three sentences on your blog along with these instructions.
5.] don't you dare dig for that "cool" or "intellectual" book in your closet! i know you were thinking about it! just pick up whatever is closest.

I'm married, have two teenagers, and I teach third grade at Bethune Elementary in Rogers Park.

From The Yada Yada Prayer Group by Neta Jackson